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Be a Trekkie!

by Sam Shim,

Are you tired, bored, or disgusted with your lifestyle? Are you looking for a change? Move up in life and become a trekkie! All it takes is a few steps which is easier than you think. And you'll enjoy doing it too.

Just go to the nearest video store and rent every single Star Trek episode and movie and watch it several times, in addition to watching the syndicated Star Trek: The Next Generation series and reading every Star Trek book, comic, and magazine in existence. That's all there is to change your lifestyle permanently! While doing this, you will notice the subtle changes occurring in your lifestyle, such as:

  1. Loss of good hygiene habits. You new lifestyle requires a constant focus on Star Trek. You will be going to Star Trek conventions, discussing Star Trek technology with friends, reading Star Trek books, comics, and magazines, and most of all, reading and posting to rec.arts.startrek. This will require all of your free time, and you won't have time for petty details such as bathing, combing your hair, cutting your fingernails, or shaving.

  2. Changes in your dress. You will find yourself throwing away all of your clothes, going to the nearest clothing store and stocking up on corduroy pants and plaid shirts. You will also be buying items such as Spock ears, communicator buttons and pocket protectors to wear with your new clothes. And if you wear contacts, you will get rid of them and buy plastic glasses. Your new dress style will make you stand out from the crowd, and help other Trekkies identify you as a Trekkie easily.

  3. Star Trek becomes the center of your new lifestyle, your new reality. You will live, eat and breath Star Trek, and will always be talking about it. Like a good researcher who references all of his/her sources, whenever you take a quote from Star Trek, you should reference which episode/movie/book/etc... it was taken from and who stated it. You can impress everyone will your knowledge. Best of all, your knowledge and mastery of Star Trek applies to everyday life. Here are some examples:

    1. You are attending a physics conference and you overhear some professors about the role of time in our universe and whether time travel is possible. You can leave a lasting impression on their minds by mentioning that time travel is possible at a speed of warp 10 as stated Commander William Riker and that there should be more research in warp technology and achieving warp 10. They might not understand what you are talking about, but if that is so, it is because they are not as well versed in the physics and technology of time travel as you are.

    2. You are at a United Nations conference on humanitarian aid to third world countries where a discussion the merits on increasing aid is being held. You can inform others that "As Spock so eloquently stated in Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan 'logic dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few'". You will leave a lasting impression to everyone attending the conference.

    3. You are taking a tour of NASA headquarters when you just happen to run into the head of NASA. You can leave a lasting impression by asking him, "Why is NASA expending its resources on space travel via shuttles when transporter technology is faster and more efficient?"

    4. You are present at a supercomputer conference in which several computer manufacturers are discussing new advances in processor speed and primary storage capacity, but which you don't find very impressive to Data's processing speed which is rated at sixty trillion operations a second and Data's primary storage capacity of eight hundred quadrillion bits as stated in 'Measure of a Man'. By mentioning this example, you can leave a lasting impression to everyone at the conference and to the computer manufacturers.

    5. You're late to work because you had to go to the optometrist. On your way in, you happen to run into your boss and he/she asks you where you were. You can inform him that you had diagnostics performed on your malfunctioning visual sensory organs and the proper corrective measures have been implemented. You'll leave a lasting impression on his/her mind.

Sounds appealing? What are you waiting for? Join millions of others in the Trekkie lifestyle! It's the best thing you can do for yourself!


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Thomas Bätzler,