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From: Rafi Chaudry <rchaudry@kansascity.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Blair Witch humor(SPOILERS included)
Date: Sun, 08 Aug 1999 06:48:01 GMT
Message-ID: <7oj970$6ov$1@nnrp1.deja.com>

Obligatory, obvious disclaimer: This is not true. It is attempted humor.

The "Blair Witch Project" Remake

In the spirit of the rousing success of Gus Van Sant's shot-by-shot remake of Psycho, Artisan has announced plans to co-opt a remake of Blair Witch Project with an unnamed studio. With a budget some 93 million dollars greater than the Eduardo Sanchez and Daniel Myreck's original, a press release from the studios promises the film will "take audiences on an scary, cutting-edge effects ride like no other in film history. Audiences today expect a little more technological whipped cream on their horror movie espresso, and since there is currently no known case of FX not greatly improving an otherwise utterly dull movie experience, the project should prove exciting."

Most are unclear on exactly what changes are in store for Blair Witch; however, a recently recovered fragment of a memo circulated by an unnamed studio kingpin has shed some light on it. The memo segment follows:

". . .ssholes, all of them. But looking forward, obviously we would all like to celebrate our new acquisition, but we also have some changes to make. Blair Witch was good, but really, who's going to pay to go back again for screams and a bunch of stones? Plus, the God damned shaky camera nearly made me vomit. The following are just suggestions, but remember, we're a team here, and it's simply not productive when all the team members don't agree with the captain.

  1. First thing's first: script. Improv is best left to those funny guys on Whose Line is it Anyway?. Not to mention that if we have a script we can depreciate the amount of "blue" language. I'd like to shoot for a very scary PG, and if anyone can pull it off, I know you guys can.
  2. Casting: People like to see stars. It's comforting, because they know we'd never kill off Tom Hanks or Will Smith--who are my first choices for Matt and Josh, respectively. The character of Heather I'm leaving up to you, with a few restrictions. First, keep it to someone who'll work for less than 20 million. And last, keep it to someone who'll work for more than 15 million--again, so there's no unknowns!! Sandra Bullock comes to mind; also she was in the Practical Magic witch movie, so maybe she's got a thing about witch movies. I don't know.
  3. It's not my policy to lie to audiences, and when I said earlier that they know we wouldn't kill off Tom hanks, that means we keep up our end of the bargain. All of the main characters dying in the original(we'll call it B.W.B.U--Blair Witch Before Us! Ha ha!) was simpy too gloomy. People upset at the movie's ending do not see the movie again, and repeat business is important.
  4. If we can get Will Smith, that gives us a great opportunity for a hip tie in; one of his delightful rap(not scary rap) songs. And, as you all know, we have to get to work on a cutting-edge soundtrack; Jerry, that's your department--Natalie Imbruglia was dynamite last time, and I think she'd be just as great this time. Honestly, when I heard there were no songs in the entire original movie, my jaw dropped. It seems un-American, doesn't it?
  5. I've said it before and I'll say it again; THIS MOVIE NEEDS A ROMANCE! Trust me, we will NOT be able to sell it to the female audience without one. I have two ideas.
    1. Heather and Josh start out at each others throat( I know, doesn't sound very romantic!), but as the movie goes on, the danger forces them to turn to each other for comfort. By the end of the movie, they realize they love each other, and admit it in a tearful(Jewel song playing?) scene at the end. Because they start out fighing, the audience will never see it coming. OR:
    2. Heather and Mike are ex-flames who must film together because of a mishap when Heather advertises for a sound man(he gives his name as Micheal instead of Mike. This could lead to a very funny scene when she realizes who he really is). The danger forces them to turn to each other for comfort. By the end of the movie, they realize they still love each other.
  6. The scene at the beginning, when they interview locals, is good. However, what if we got Robin Williams as a wisecracking interviewee? He could be doing all sorts of funny voices and such. NOTE: we may not be able to get Robin for such a small role--what if we rethought the character of Mike as the comic relief guy, played by Robin? Maybe make him a wacky dressing, eccentric guy.
  7. I don't care how you do it, I don't care where you put it, but we need an lingerie scene with Heather to play up for the trailers.
  8. Heather doesn't write in her journal, she types in her Apple PowerBook. They don't run out of water, they run out of cans of Pepsis.
  9. I think it'll be great when we finally see the Blair Witch, since they never did after jerking our chain around for and hour and a half in the original. I say go big, go slimy, and go multi-limbed. Also, 3 little filmmakers being chased doesn't create much danger. What if the Blair Witch was trying to take over the world, and Heather, Josh and Mike are the only ones that can stop her? She could go from city to city, taking out the towns people with a destructive force they're completely unprepared for. The final battle would be cathartic, inspriring, patriotic, and rousing; a real crowd pleaser. Also, it would give us an excuse to put a big explosion for our trailer at the end.

Again, all these are only suggestions. I hope to have the movie on 4,000 screens by November. If we can kee. . ."

And thus ends the short, yet informative, memo fragment, offering a tantalizing peak at what is sure to be the movie event of a lifetime. See you in November. I'll be there; and you know it's useless for you to resist.

-- 
"Let's get down to brass tacks; how much for the ape?" --Hunter S. Thompson
"She's so refined.  I think I'll kill myself."  --Audience girl

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Thomas Bätzler, Thomas@Baetzler.de
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