Santa's New Colleague
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and
Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer
breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain
your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who
happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is
from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith&Wesson."
Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit cup handy.
Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
"Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off." The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters
and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the
The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
state patrol cars crashing into each other.
Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
Coming to Town...
This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by
Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)