In the Matter of Bush v. Kringle
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 12) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks Federal Judge T. Grinch to "hereby order Mr. Clause to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Governor Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he calls the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nuthin'."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure NOW," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave this weekend.
"We need red suits and sleighs, not lawsuits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokes-elf said he was "deeply distressed" by the news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokes-elf. "He's just not feeling jolly."
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