- The Dean
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than
a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.
- The Department Head
Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as
fast as a speeding bullet. Talks with God.
- Professor
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a
switch engine. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks
with God if a special request is honored.
- Associate Professor
Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with a locomotive. Can fire a speeding
bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.
- Assistant Professor
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings. Is run over by
locomotives. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Treads water. Talks to
animals.
- Instructor
Climbs walls continually. Rides the rails. Plays Russian Roulette. Walks on thin ice.
Prays a lot.
- Graduate Student
Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotives two out of three times. Is not issued
ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life jacket. Talks to walls.
- Undergraduate Student
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings. Says "Look at the choo-choo". Wets
himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to himself.
- Department Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding
bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. She is God.
