From: Stephanie Dyrkacz,firstname.lastname@example.org Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Message-ID: S982.email@example.com Date: Tue, 16 Apr 96 12:20:03 EDT Subject: How to kill two cows with one mine?
Since an item was recently posted about the mad cow disease problem, I thought I would add to the confusion and submit a lovely discussion that has been taking place on swat.org.swil (Swarthmore's sci-fi/fantasy and general craziness club).
Colin and I were talking over lunch about the best way to move 11 million cows from England to Cambodia. (The English have 11 million cows, some of whom might just possibly have Mad Cow disease--a Cambodian newspaper suggested that they could be put to use getting rid of the 11 million unexploded land mines in Cambodia). C-130s could fly them over in batches of about 2 dozen per plane, but that would be awfully expensive. Driving them overland from France would detroy crops, possibly transmit Mad Cow Disease, and run into Mountains, the Russian Governtment, etc. That seems to leave barges--which probably wouldn't fit through Suez. It would take a month or so, and require an awful lot of grain. Any better ideas?
Just move the Chunnel so that it connects England and Cambodia.
I would have thought it was obvious. plant the land mines in british cow-fields.
(munch munch munch mooo bang! mOOOOOOOOOOoooooo)
No, no, no. Once again, the free market will come to our rescue. If the Cambodians really want the cows (and the british really want to get rid of them) then each Cambodian will buy one or more cows and INDIVIDUALLY make arrangements to transport it. Therefore, exactly as many cows as are needed will be transported from Britain at no cost to the British.
But why stop there? Bosnia, Mozambique, Angola, and many other countries have serious problems with land mines. For this reason, the British, far from having a serious excess cow problem, have the potential to make a killing (no pun intended).
Also, has anyone considered leaking rumors that American cattle have been infected by the virus? This could eliminate the problem of overgrazing on our public lands...
I have received information that there are 747s converted to transport livestock. Whether there's enough capacity in the things to transport 11 million head, however, is unknown and seems doubtful.
Of course, all our debate so far has labored under the (unnecessary) assumption that the transport of these livestock must be by some legal means. If we don't restrict ourselves to legal means, however, a very good alternative comes to mind: smuggling. People could take airline flights from the UK to Cambodia with one or more head of cattle stuffed in their luggage. While most international airports today have an eye toward catching those who smuggle weapons and drugs on board planes, very few are too careful about large livestock. So I think a small group of dedicated people could succeed in transferring the "mooing stock" across international borders with a minimum of fuss.
The main cost of this enterprise, then, would be airline tickets (which don't need to be first class since the cattle won't know the difference) and some extremely large suitcases.
Why not just move the mines? They weigh much less, take up less space, and don't get air or sea-sick. Also, 11 million landmines in the British Isles could have their uses. (separating the halves of Ireland with a no-man's land, liberating Scotland and Wales via a defensive zone, keeping tabloid photographers away from the palace, making cricket a more interesting sport)
Rumor has it that British scientists have been working on a "cow cannon" as a solution to this problem. This cannon, once perfected would be able to fire a single cow of weight up to half a ton (that'd be a mighty big cow!) a distance of almost 12,000 miles! This would not only solve the problem of getting the cows to Cambodia, but would even give the cows a fun ride along the way.
If this project succeeds, however, Britain will be the only country in the world to own a cow cannon. We cannot afford to fall behind in the development of such vital techonology. Therefore, I urge you to contact your Congressman and tell him that you want the US to develop a cow cannon as well.
Help us avoid a cow cannon gap!
This is indeed a dangerous situation. I believe that we should strike first, before Britain has a chance to develop this weapon. I think we should fund a military invasion of Britain by Cambodia. After all, if England were to suddenly BECOME Cambodia, the whole operation of transporting them overseas would suddenly become unnecessary. Furthermore, we should not have to worry about the Cow Cannon Gap.
... and the debate rages on....
Stephanie B. Dyrkacz "Men are like fudge: sweet, but dense and rarely good for you." --- Audrey Walton-Hadlock, '99
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