In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the
organizers of Manchester's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and
schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
- Opening Ceremony
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city
(preferably from the Mosside area), wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be
contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
- The Events
In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been particularly
successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly
to the advantage of local 'Manchester' athletes.
- 100 Metres Sprint
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm)
and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards
behind the athletes.
- 100 Metres Hurdles
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences walls
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw,
sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to
members of the public within the time allowed.
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry as possible
in 5 minutes.
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target
will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office
clerk bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man.
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take
place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be
told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
- Cycling Time Trials
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an
expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away
from home. All against the clock.
- Cycling Pursuit
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby
team, who will witness the theft.
- Modern Pentathlon
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and
- The Marathon
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp
sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the Manchester Ship Canal. The first
three survivors back, will decide the medals
- Mens 50km Walk
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the
safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester.
- The Closing Ceremony
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Coronation
Street Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing and music
by the Manchester Community Choir.
The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing
machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the
stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break
into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.