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The Mechanic's Tool Guide

Author unknown

Air Compressor:

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

Aviation Metal Snips:

See hacksaw.

Battery Electrolyte Tester:

A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Craftsman ½ X 16-Inch Screwdriver:

A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Drill Press:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor:

A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2x4:

Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

Electric Hand Drill:

Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

Hacksaw:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Hammer:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Hose Cutter:

A tool used to cut hoses ½ inch too short.

Hydraulic Floor Jack:

Used for lowering a car to the ground after youhave installed new front disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

Mechanic's Knife:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing such item as; leather seats, motorcycle jackets, plastic oil cans.

Oxyacetelene Torch:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

Phillips Screwdriver:

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Phone:

Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Pliers:

Used to round off bolt heads.

Pry Bar:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

Snap-on Gasket Scraper:

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

Timing Light:

A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

Trouble Light:

The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under automobiles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Tweezers:

A tool for removing wood splinters.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist:

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Vise-Grips:

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Whitworth Sockets:

Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

Wire Wheel Brush:

Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you tosay, "Ouch...."

 


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Thomas Bätzler, Thomas@Baetzler.de
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