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Things that never happen in Star Trek

Author unknown

  • The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before.

  • The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists who are all perfectly all right.

  • The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.

  • The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.

  • The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well stocked sick bay.

  • An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprises computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

  • A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

  • A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of the computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a "fuse".

  • The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

  • The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

  • The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.

  • The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, dangerous situation,and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.

  • The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify with candy.

  • The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in no way connected with the 20th century.

  • Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.

  • A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

  • The shields of the Enterprise stay up during battle.

  • The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day.

  • An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift in power throughout the quadrant."

  • A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.

  • Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."

  • Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so!"

  • Counsellor Troi states something other that the blindingly obvious.

  • Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.

  • When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."

  • Worf actually gives another vessel more that 2 seconds to respond to the Enterprise's hails.

  • Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.

  • The warp engines start acting up a bit, but then seems to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

  • Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. [or even: Kirk (or Riker) meets an attractive woman and does not fall in love with her.]

  • An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.

  • Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for no being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

  • Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.

  • Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk doesn't get into a fistfight!)

  • Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.

  • Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.

  • Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus cannot save the day.

  • The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.


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Thomas Bätzler,