New Barbie Models
- Sister Mary Barbie:
This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying,
mini rosary beads, a mini bible and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still
Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of
- Rabbi Barbie:
So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes
with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls.
Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
- Admin Barbie:
Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest
on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini
laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls,
replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order
airline tickets for Admin Ken.
- Temp Barbie:
This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to
go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries
to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes
indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini
resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code
revisions which need to be collated.
- Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats
for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for
a white band on the ring finger of her left hand).
- Twelve-Step Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie, and I'm an
alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip
and a pack of smokes.
- Birkenstock Barbie:
Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from
- Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:
An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood and
the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.
- Blue Collar Barbie:
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on
union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and
cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in
order to make ends meet.
- Homegirl Barbie:
Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry,
hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and says things like "I don't
think so", "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches
girls not to take crap from men.
- Transgender Barbie:
Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
- Robotic Barbie:
Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling
over she says "Control theory is hard. Darn these spike heels anyway!"
- Dinner Roll Barbie:
A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous
thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket
of dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Dreyer's
ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't
Eat", and, of course, an appetite.
- Mobile Home Park Barbie
Comes complete with hair in rollers and pregnant. Accesories include: two toddlers.
When you pull the string on her back she asks where her gov't support check is. Some
Mobile Home Barbies come with suprise Ken or G.I. Joe since they often give her suprise
visits when they come into town.
More humor about Barbies: