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The Great White Programmer

How Programmers Hunt Elephants

Author unknown

  • dBASE programmers only hunt elephants at night when no one will notice that they are still using clubs.

  • C programmers refuse to buy rifles off the shelf, preferring to take steel rods and a mobile machine shop to Africa intending to build the perfect rifle for the job from scratch while everyone else bags the elephants.

  • FOXPRO programmers pickup the discarded C programmers rifles every few days which causes them to spend time learning new shooting techniques than the actual hunting of elephants.

  • CLIPPER programmers don't actually hunt elephants, they just buy library after library of elephant parts and then spend years trying to integrate them and resolving conflicts from doing so.

  • PARADOX programmers go to Africa with copies of Hollywood movie scripts about elephant hunting, the reenactment of which they believe will help them catch an elephant.

  • ACCESS programmers zero right in on an elephant right away, even with no prior experience in elephant hunting, and then, impeccably dressed and fully looking the part, get the elephant in their beautifully-mounted scopes, and then realize that other than missing a trigger, they are 99.9% " there".

  • RBASE programmers are rarer than elephants. In fact, when an elephant sees an RBASE programmer he considers it his lucky day.

  • VISUAL programmers point at their bullets, point at their rifles, then point at the elephant. This simply amuses the elephants. Rolling over in a fit of laughter the elephant destroys the mouse, the programmer can do nothing but simply watch the elephant walk away.

  • ADA, APL, and FORTRAN programmers are just as fictional as Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

  • COBOL programmers have too much empathy to hunt another near-extinct species.

  • ASSEMBLY programmers, create their own smaller and faster bread of elephants.


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Thomas Bätzler,