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From: Kenneth.E.Harker@dartmouth.edu (Kenneth E. Harker)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: COMP: Which Language? #1
Message-ID: <1992May9.221549.13373@dartvax.dartmouth.edu>
Date: 9 May 92 22:15:49 GMT

The following is from "The Real Times", a newsletter of the Greater Boston Chapter of ACM.

Which language is right for you?

by Simon Walmsley and Steve Suttles

In order to help you make a competent, uncomplicated choice concerning the competition between complex, incompatible computer compilers, we have composed this complete, compact, composite compendium comprising comparisons to compensate for the complaints and complements of their compromises. We hope you will find it comprehensible rather than compost.

6502

You shoot yourself in the foot.

68000

You can't decide which gun and which bullet to use, so you hang yourself.

8080

You foot yourself in the shoot.

Z80

...

Ada

The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarette.

Ada

After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.

Assembler

LDA BULLET
STA FOOT

APL

GN (* Upside down triangle *) FT ^ BLT

BASIC (interpreted)

You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and falls off.

BASIC (compiled)

You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a Scud missle launcher.

C

You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can figure out what you did.

C

*foot = bullet

C++

You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

COBOL

USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.-COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER

csh

After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.

dBase

You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets.

FORTH

Foot Bullet shootInto.

FORTRAN

EQUIVALENCE (BULLET, FOOT)

FORTRAN

You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no exception processing was anticipated.

Modula-2

You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.

occam

You shoot both your feet with several guns a once.

ORCA/C

Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition RSN!

Pascal

Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off.

Pascal

You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but it tells you that your foot is the wrong type and out of range as well!

PL/1

After comsuming all system resources including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes and drops the original on your foot.

Prolog (interpreted)

Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die of old age before the bullet leaves the gun.

Prolog (compiled)

The facts are against you. You try to stop the gun from shooting you in the foot, but it replies "No."

Smalltalk

After playing with the graphics for three weeks the programming manager shoots you in the head.

Snobol

Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.

TECO

@fs/bullet/foot/

Windows

You click on Bullet, and the mouse knocks the manual off the desktop. The manual lands corner-first on your foot.


From: amorgan@Xenon.Stanford.EDU (Crunchy Frog)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: COMP: Which Language? #1
Message-ID: <1992May9.225605.27780@CSD-NewsHost.Stanford.EDU>
Date: 9 May 92 22:56:05 GMT
In article <1992May9.221549.13373@dartvax.dartmouth.edu>
Kenneth.E.Harker@dartmouth.edu (Kenneth E. Harker) writes:
>The folloowing is from "The Real Times", a newsletter of the Greater
>Boston Chapter of ACM.

List of how languages shoot you in the foot deleted.

Naturally you missed a few:

elisp

Zippy the Pinhead shoots you in the foot.

ML

It refuses, as your foot and the bullet are of different types.

TeX

After you \input gun, it shoots your foot off (in a weapon independent fashion) and then writes a eulogy for you using a variety of beautiful typefaces.


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Links: Imprint, Humor on the Internet, my homepage.


Thomas Bätzler, Thomas@Baetzler.de
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