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The Top 11 Ways Voyager Would Be Different If It Were Set in Scotland instead of the Delta Quadrant

  1. The mens dress uniform would consist of a kilt. Janeway would, at formal functions, order a kilt inspection where she would personally inspect whether they were "True Scotsmen" (who wear nothing under their kilt). Anyone found wearing boxers would be soundly humiliated and be pounced on by the Dellany sisters, Nicolletti and Torres, and have their undies stripped off and hung over the bar as trophies of war.

  2. There would be more sheep than people on board. They would probably be very nervous sheep, especially around Vulcans when they're in Ponn Farr.

  3. As a laugh, Paris and Chakotay would point out peaceful aliens and tell Janeway that they were English and that they were laughing about the Scottish football tean. Then they'd run away sniggering when the peaceful alien melted into a quivering pile of goo as Janeway turned on her death glare.

  4. There'd be only 5 surnames in the 141 people, and everyone would be related. Each deck would be called a "glen" and people would only be allowed to mate with people from their own glen until everyone was inbred and clan feuds were commonplace.

  5. Every time there was a party, it would end with people staggering through the corridors, holding one another up, and singing "Flower of Scotland." - the version with the additions regarding the parentage of the English army and, the sexual habits of King Edward.

  6. "Sandrines" would be renamed "Jocks" and anyone who ordered ice in their whisky would be publicly scorned.

  7. Instead of ponsing about with practicing her tennis serve in her ready room, Janeway would have been practicing her "drive" and would have taken off Tuvok's head with a 100 mph golf ball.

  8. Instead of calling the warp 10 shuttle the "Cochrane", it would be called the "Connery". And the computer would have Sean Connery's voice.

  9. Starfleet defense training would consist of watching the film "Braveheart" over and over again.

  10. Janeway would regularly punch out (or head butt) Chakotay for having the temerity to call her "lassie." Then she'd kick him while he was down.

  11. No-one would complain about Neelix's cooking as long as there was enough salt and cholesterol in it to give a rhino coronary artery disease. Deep frying everything would be acceptable.

 


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Thomas Bätzler, Thomas@Baetzler.de
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