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YOU READ IT HERE FIRST! From the Delta Quadrant we present a schedule of the daily life of Voyager, authorized by Captain Janeway herself! Read on...

Voyager Schedule

Note: Following schedule is accurate, barring interruptions in the day such as hostile Kazon raids, ship and/or crew being split into two separate organisms, near-death experiences, encountering the Caretaker, visits from Q, temporal anomalies, kamikaze plots, etc.

0500: Jose Eber arrives by shuttle to personally fix Janeway's hair.
0515: Harry Kim's neighbor stuffs phaser down his clarinet while Kim blows "Reveille" over the intercom.
0530: Neelix is busy in the kitchen making the lunch special out of the uneaten food and crew's vomit from last night's dinner.
0535: Paris looks through the peephole he secretly cut in Kes' quarters on the pretext of "snuffing out Kazon traps".
0600: The Doctor is activated with a migraine, just spent the last night trying to cure Torres' split personality.
0605: Kes tries to cheer the doctor up.
0610: Kes turns the doctor off(wink).
0705: Janeway gives first moral lecture to first new alien race of the day.
0706: Alien race tells her to stop acting like Jean-Luc Picard.
0730: Paris makes first sarcastic comment of the day, gets first irritated "are you ever stupid" look from Janeway.
0800: Jonas whines to Kazon about never being able to get to Seska, does his "I coulda been a contender" routine.
0900: Bridge crew detects food source on nearby planet. Away teams swarm down to find it before lunch.
0940: Tuvok and Kes have lesson while "Break On Through To The Other Side" plays.
0950: Tuvok pretends to go into pon farr.
1040: Food source turns out to be intelligent life form. Away Team eats it anyway and tells a protesting Janeway that "it tastes like chicken."
1100: Janeway has first caffeine overdose of the day, yells at Tuvok who shows up an hour late and smiling.
1120: B'Elanna gets rid of her frustration by pounding standup of Worf.
1140: A reinvigorated Kes gets Neelix to postpone lunch.
1150: Janeway promotes Kes to CMO.
1230: Alien beings threaten Voyager after discovering the crew having a barbecue on the planet.
1300: Chakotay beams down and discovers Seska tipped the aliens off.
1400: Aliens take over the ship, except for Sickbay where Kes and the Doctor are arm-wrestling to see who gets to be CMO.
1430: Paris fights aliens for control over the holodeck where he was creating an authentic Indian reservation and casino to corrupt Chakotay.
1500: Chakotay goes into a drug-induced state to escape Seska and gain knowledge from his animal guide.
1530: Warp core goes critical due to one of Torres' temper tantrums. Torres beats up her animal guide.
1600: Aliens break into Sickbay.
1607: Kes collapses in her best Troi imitation screaming, "Pain"
1630: Janeway goes into holodeck to get advice from hologram of Captain Kirk.
1700: Chakotay confronts Seska, acts horrible to her, THEN remembers Cardassian mating practices, runs for his life.
1710: Seska slaps Chakotay with a paternity suit. Ferengi Robert Shapiro appears out of nowhere.
1750: Janeway leaves Holodeck knowing that there's one way she's superior to that damned Kirk.
1800: Janeway seeks advice from her FULL Vulcan, who advises her about "The needs of the many"...
1830: B'Elanna pulls technobabble out of thin air and saves the ship.
1900: Janeway destroys aliens but leaves several behind to negotiate a diplomatic solution with.
2000: Crew goes out for Miller Time.
2130: Ferengi lawyer discovers Seska has no latinum, bows out on a technicality. Chakotay says "Hasta la Vista Bbay."
2300: Harry Kim blows his horn.
2350: Doctor turns on after everyone thought he was off.

 

Source:

Subject: A Day in the Life(Humor)
From: liebowl@aol.com (LIEBOWL)
Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
Message-ID: 4l5s47$s24@tribune.usask.ca
Date: 18 Apr 1996 16:54:31 GMT

Auswege: Impressum, Haftungsausschluß, Datenschutz, Humor im Internet, meine Homepage.
Links: Imprint, Humor on the Internet, my homepage.


Thomas Bätzler, Thomas@Baetzler.de
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