Supreme Court Clears Commandments
Washington. The Supreme Court cleared the way for the release of the New
Living Large Bible today in a 8 to 1 ruling. The Court said that the
clarified ten commandments were constitutional and did not violate
international law. Traditionalists have held up release of the new bible
for over 3 weeks with frivolous lawsuits seeking to block publication of the
bible based on the new re-translated version of the ten commandments. The
Supreme Court Opinion stated that, based on the evidence, the new version of
the commandments is unquestionably what God had actually intended to say.
Spokespersons from New World Publishing Limited Liability Company and from
the Association of Republicrat Televangelists expressed their relief that
the case is over. At the heart of the case, which was expected to drag on
for weeks, were questions involving biblical interpretations of law, order,
and economics. Jewish radicals insisted that the new commandments would not
apply to them, but lawyers for the Republicrat Televangelists successfully
argued that no person is above God's law.
The New Clarified and Restated Ten Commandments
Have no other Gods before God, subject to the following exceptions:
- dead rock stars
- elected officials
- major motion picture stars
- sports figures signed to major league teams
- network newscasters
- currency which recites "In God We Trust"
Do not make a graven image of God unless it is for display inside a
licensed church. Velvet paintings of Jesus and plastic dashboard Jesus
figures, manufactured prior to 1999, are allowed for display in personal
dwellings and automobiles, so long as no one who is offended reports it to
Do not take God's name in vain when no payment is received for doing so.
Keep the sabbath day holy from 8 a.m. to 10 a.m.
Honor your mother and your father, unless one or both can be
categorized as one or more of the following:
- cigarette smoker
Do not kill, subject to the following exemptions:
- state execution of criminals
- where decedent requested and paid for assistance in committing suicide
- where a policeman, acting in good faith, shoots fleeing unarmed teenager in the back
- military execution of foreign individuals embracing un-American political or economic philosophies.
- federal execution of individuals who could possibly be a threat to national security
Do not commit adultery, unless you belong to one of the following
classes of excluded individuals:
- persons whose spouses agree to permit adultery or are unable to find out about it
- duly elected Republicrat officeholders
- persons away from home for business or political purposes
- persons married for more than 1 year
- ordained ministers
- celebrities earning over $2 million per year
Do not steal. Stealing is defined as taking something from someone
who has a higher net worth than the person committing the theft. Fraud,
sales of defective products, misrepresentation, false advertising, usury,
overcharging, double-billing, taxation, and other common business and
political practices shall not be deemed to be stealing.
Do not bear false witness against your neighbor, subject to the
- in cases where prosecutors may have a difficult time proving the guilt of a criminal
- in the normal course of political activities
- in the normal course of business activities
Covet all that belongs to your neighbor so that you may be
motivated to compete with your neighbor and achieve the same level of