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Supreme Court Clears Commandments

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Washington. The Supreme Court cleared the way for the release of the New Living Large Bible today in a 8 to 1 ruling. The Court said that the clarified ten commandments were constitutional and did not violate international law. Traditionalists have held up release of the new bible for over 3 weeks with frivolous lawsuits seeking to block publication of the bible based on the new re-translated version of the ten commandments. The Supreme Court Opinion stated that, based on the evidence, the new version of the commandments is unquestionably what God had actually intended to say.

Spokespersons from New World Publishing Limited Liability Company and from the Association of Republicrat Televangelists expressed their relief that the case is over. At the heart of the case, which was expected to drag on for weeks, were questions involving biblical interpretations of law, order, and economics. Jewish radicals insisted that the new commandments would not apply to them, but lawyers for the Republicrat Televangelists successfully argued that no person is above God's law.

The New Clarified and Restated Ten Commandments

  1. Have no other Gods before God, subject to the following exceptions:

    1. dead rock stars
    2. elected officials
    3. major motion picture stars
    4. sports figures signed to major league teams
    5. network newscasters
    6. television
    7. currency which recites "In God We Trust"

  2. Do not make a graven image of God unless it is for display inside a licensed church. Velvet paintings of Jesus and plastic dashboard Jesus figures, manufactured prior to 1999, are allowed for display in personal dwellings and automobiles, so long as no one who is offended reports it to federal authorities.

  3. Do not take God's name in vain when no payment is received for doing so.

  4. Keep the sabbath day holy from 8 a.m. to 10 a.m.

  5. Honor your mother and your father, unless one or both can be categorized as one or more of the following:

    1. cigarette smoker
    2. disciplinarian
    3. racist
    4. unemployed
    5. unhip

  6. Do not kill, subject to the following exemptions:

    1. state execution of criminals
    2. where decedent requested and paid for assistance in committing suicide
    3. where a policeman, acting in good faith, shoots fleeing unarmed teenager in the back
    4. military execution of foreign individuals embracing un-American political or economic philosophies.
    5. federal execution of individuals who could possibly be a threat to national security

  7. Do not commit adultery, unless you belong to one of the following classes of excluded individuals:

    1. persons whose spouses agree to permit adultery or are unable to find out about it
    2. duly elected Republicrat officeholders
    3. persons away from home for business or political purposes
    4. persons married for more than 1 year
    5. ordained ministers
    6. celebrities earning over $2 million per year

  8. Do not steal. Stealing is defined as taking something from someone who has a higher net worth than the person committing the theft. Fraud, sales of defective products, misrepresentation, false advertising, usury, overcharging, double-billing, taxation, and other common business and political practices shall not be deemed to be stealing.

  9. Do not bear false witness against your neighbor, subject to the following exceptions:

    1. in cases where prosecutors may have a difficult time proving the guilt of a criminal
    2. in the normal course of political activities
    3. in the normal course of business activities

  10. Covet all that belongs to your neighbor so that you may be motivated to compete with your neighbor and achieve the same level of success.


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Thomas Bätzler,