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From: (d.f. 8938719 bowen)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: TOXIC CUSTARD 12 - Vax Users' Bulletin
Date: 1 Oct 90 01:49:08 GMT

[As usual, subscribers got the full benefit of this one... It arrived in their mailbox with a subject heading of "Vax User Bulletin", and a prompt saying it was from "System Admin, VX24". But there you go, just goes to show you should all subscribe. Mail now!!]

VX24 USER'S BULLETIN Number 12 - 1/10/90

Subject: New Vax Command

DEC have written a new program to make VMS error messages more readable. The new code, called TRANSLATE, translates the error message into simple English to aid with debugging and general use of DCL.

To make use of this new facility, the following command is used:


Where "type" is the type of error message you would like. Valid types are detailed below, with examples.

As an example, suppose while copying a file, an error occurs-:

    %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found

The TRANSLATE utility will change this message to make it easier to read, in the following ways.

feminist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, That chauvinist pig VAX reckons you don't even know the real filename. Try again, and show this male pig computer that all wimmin can tell this computer what to do!
hippy %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Oh no! Oh heavy heavy heavy. The bad-vibes-ville uncool VAX can't find the file! Oh no, what are you going to do now?
anarchist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Hey! The git VAX can't find the file! Right on! Who needs files for copying anyway? Files represent beauracracy and red tape! Let's take all the files and stuff them up the computer's collective arse!
medieval %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The lord VAX cannot find thy file, peasant. Thou shall provide thy full path name again, lest thy head answers for it!
evangelist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, And yea! God's servant VAX was unable to find you file. But if you believe in the power of God, evil Satan's forces SHALL put the file back. Donate $3000 to SYSTEM, get down on your knees, and try again.
suicidal %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found. That's it, that command was your life. Now go and kill yourself. But remember to log out first.
bogan %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, F***ing hell, c***! That stupid mother-f***er of a VAX says it couldn't find the f***ing file! Maybe it wasn't really called F***ER.TXT;2
pirate %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Required filename not found. So what the heck, I'll copy the whole directory!
psychologist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The computer's very inner soul has rejected the concept of 'files' due to a bad experience when the OS was a lower version number. All influenced, of course, by the system manager's severe sexual problems.
python-fan %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The file cannot be found! It's NOT pining - it's passed on! This file is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired, and gone to meet it's maker! This is a late file! It's not there! This is an EX-FILE!
management %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The VAX has initiated a CPU committee meeting to determine whether or not this file can be found. DCL will report the results in four weeks.
jargon %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The total number of files retrieved that are equivalent to the parameter specified in your previous command is zero!
system-manager %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found. Now get really angry and take it out on the poor pathetic grovelling little users.
politician %COPY-E-INPFFND, Input file found. There have been no errors that I am aware of. None at all.

IN THE NEXT VAX USERS' BULLETIN (3/10/90), FIRST OF A TEN PART SERIES VX24 user Katherine Ramsay tells us how to repair a serial-port, in 132 easy steps.

   Raymond Luxury-Yacht
   System Manager, TOX12

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