Wauism - The Religion For You
Dear Friendly Friend:
How many times have you wanted to fill that yawning spiritual void in your
life but just weren't able to find the time or the energy? How often have
you wanted to form a more personal relationship with a Higher Authority but
just couldn't get turned on by that same old tired selection of Supreme
Beings? Haven't you ever wished there was just one religion out there that
understood you, Friendly Friend, that indulged you, one that fit in with
your creative, dynamic lifestyle? Well, at last, thanks to the Creators of
Wauism, there is. Finally, there's a faith that works for you, Friendly
Friend, instead of the other way around. After all these years, and
following an in-depth market research study, Wauists Worldwide (A
full-service non-profit agency not affiliated with CBS International) has
come up with a religion that draws upon the best features of some of the
world's most popular denominations, but goes them all far better!
Yes, Friend, that's right! Wauism is everything some religions are and
much, much more. It's not just a job, it's an adventure; it's a breath
mint, and a candy mint; it's everything you always wanted in a God and
less. Designed using the latest in CAR (Computer-Aided Religion)
technology, here's just a few of the features Wauism offers:
Guaranteed Salvation. Guaranteed. Other religions require you to behave
a certain way in the here-and-now in order to make out in the hereafter;
with Wauism, you can do whatever you want, because your salvation is
guaranteed! Wauism realizes you've got enough to worry about in life
without having to be nervous about where you're headed after you die, so
relax! As a Wauist, death means never having to have said you're sorry.
Whatever Heaven you want is yours; or if you'd rather just be dead, that's
Your Choice of Supreme Being. No more arguing about who's more
all-powerful, Jesus or Mohammed, Buddha or Joseph Smith. Stop fighting
about whether Allah could take The Holy Ghost in a wrestling match. End the
endless bickering over whether the Supreme Deity is a He or a She. With
Wauism, you can choose. Using the patented Godolyzer, you make God in your
image. Combine Jesuss' hairdo with Mother Nature's eyes. Add the musical
flair of Krishna to the sexual swagger of Zoroaster. You want a Lord who's
vengeful but also knows how to rock? No problem. Using the Godolyzer, with
or without the templates provided, you make the call.
Eat Whatever You Want. Remember fish sticks on Friday? Or how about
unleavened bread? And who - try as they might - can forget "bitter herbs?"
Well, now, thanks to Wauism, you can. As a Wauist, you'll never have to
tongue another Eucharist wafer off of your palate or nurse another hangover
brought on from sacramental wine again. Glut your maw however you'd like,
whenever you'd like. Eat all you want, just want all you take.
More Efficient Commandments. Some religions take as many as Ten
Commandments to lay down their laws. Wauism, using the latest in
data-compression techniques, has significantly reduced the number of
Commandments and has also managed to dramatically decrease their
stringency. Think of them simply as a Couple of Suggestions, and if you'd
rather not, hey, Friend, that's quite all right, too.
No Sexual Taboos. Has anything turned more people away from the power
above the heavens than the power below their waists? Wauism doesn't have
the problem, because as a Wauist, you Friendly Friend, can stick or get
stuck however you want with whom or whatever you want whenever or wherever
you want. As long as no one gets hurt - or just if they want to - Wauism says
have fun. And be safe.
More and Better Holidays. Even the most fun-loving religions usually
have only half a dozen or so major holidays a year. And often several of
these are days of atonement or fasting. Wauism, on the other hand, features
a full complement of 365 full-scale religious holidays a year! 366 for leap
year. And all include presents and feasting.
No Hazing Rituals. No hitting with sticks. No drenchings in water. No
knives aimed at your privates. Need we say more?
No Annual Fee. Because of low overhead (no Gothic cathedrals to keep up,
no sacred texts to maintain, no Crusades to mount) Wauism is offered to you
entirely free! A letter now and again would be nice, but hey, don't sweat
100% Compatibility. Wauism does not require you to change or upgrade any
of your existing religious or sectarian beliefs. It is in no way mutually
exclusive. You can be a Wauist and anything else you want, too - even
Quit at Any Time. No forms to fill out, no messy dyes to spill, no one
will call you. You can be a Wauist one day and something else the next.
Change hourly if you'd like. By the second if you'd prefer. Or, be a Wauist
forever. It's entirely up to you. So, there you have it, Friend, in a
nutshell - a pistachio to be exact. With Wauism, you get all the plusses of
other religions with none of the minuses. It's like having your cake and
eating it, too. Heck, it's like owning the whole bakery! And because you,
Friendly Friend, are who you are, and only sometimes somebody else, you
have been selected to participate in this charter membership offer. As a
Wauist, you'll enjoy the benefits of the world's only computer-designed
faith as well as the peace of mind of knowing if the Armageddon does come,
it's not your fault!
So, join today and start receiving the benefits immediately. All you have
to do is whatever you want. Make no phone calls unless you feel so
inclined. Write no letters unless it strikes your fancy. Send no money,
unless you want to.
Be a Wauist or don't be. You are still surrounded in a cone of love.
D.A. LeTang Wauist