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Subject: Windows95 is a CLASSIFIED munition! (WAS Microsoft and nuclear power)
From: Brat Wizard <>
Newsgroups: comp.os.linux.advocacy, [...]

Windows95 is a Classified Munition!


You know, it really sets your mind to wondering what's up with the bit in the Microsoft Windows that says "Not fit for Life Support Applications". There's a thread that's been going on in several of the newsgroups wondering if there are any Nuclear Power Plants using Microsoft Windows...

Personally, I think everybody's missing the point. I think Microsoft is a super-secret Government agency who has been secretly developing the perfect takeover weapon. Really, I'm serious, it all fits, just think about it - Russia, they were our enemies, right? And yet, when exactly did the USSR fall? Right after the release of Windows 3.1!

See, my theory is that they took one of those Soviet 'Moles' they found hiding in Washington and fed him windows 3.1 telling him it was "top secret". Of course when the mole sent the disk off to Moscow (after making a copy for himself) they immediately installed it on all their computers and within months the entire economy of the former Soviet Union ground to a halt. And, to boot Microsoft made a whole bunch of new customers (who will of course be just dying to get the upgrade).

The powers that be looked upon these results and saw that they were good and they blessed the development of a newer, more powerful terror-weapon - Windows95! Our Government has never been shy about experimenting on its citizens so why stop at Radiation? Microsoft (in a super-secret partnership with IBM in a classified project called 'Power-PC') has been testing the effects on the U.S. for almost a decade now! The early results have proved promising so far!

Of course, a weapon is worthless if its never used, so I wondered who the possible targets could be... seems to me that we've "cozied up" to China all of a sudden... Or maybe the Clintons will try to sneak it into the Republican Party computers... I also have it on good authority that the "virus" they used in the recent film "Independence Day" was none other than Chicago Beta Release 4.012.45b!

Ok, so much for allegations, how do you PROVE this theory? I'm afraid that's going to be rather difficult, just as its been difficult to pin any sort of anti-trust actions on Microsoft. Aside from their covert status as a super-secret Government agency they're smart enough to use their own software to store their internal records. No jury in the world is going to convict them for evasion when they find out they're using Windows! In fact, I'm surprised that O.J. Simpson didn't try it out himself. All he would have had to do was stand up and tell the jury, "I couldn't possibly have killed Nicole, I was home recovering from a General Protection Fault!" He'd have gotten home in time to tee off that afternoon! (However, it was interesting to see the White Bronco screensaver that came out shortly afterwards, it was the only Windows screensaver I've seen that ran in real-time!)

So next time you boot your Windows box, I bet you look at it with a newfound respect when it says "This system cannot boot due to a corrupt registry" - that's your country's most secret weapon at work! You should stand tall and be proud to be an American! Do your part and report another successful "enemy penetration" for Microsoft Windows! (Of course, we know its only a test)

It is this innovative and powerful secret technology that tips the balance of power in the free world! Hostile nations should take heed to mind their manners lest we let loose this awesome and devastating creation in their direction!

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Links: Imprint, Humor on the Internet, my homepage.

Thomas Bätzler,